These are some of the so-called "posher" recreational activities as some critics of the Tory Government like to call them, now available for the public in the United Kingdom to play outdoors as the lockdown is gingerly eased.

No darts or snooker, but we can go for a swim – presumably only in the sea or the Thames as pools and leisure centres remain closed. Meantime professional sport remains in the dressing room, awaiting the whistle from the great referee in Downing Street, whose contribution to sport so far is demonstrating his backhand while still booted and suited.

What next, we wonder. A chukka or two of polo or the all-clear for the Eton Wall Game. Such is this sporting life since COVID-19 hit town.

There are grim mutterings that the higher profile sports we would like to watch in stadiums or on TV may take months to get back in the swing again.

At least we are treated to snapshots of some of the stars in training while the Premier League still struggles to get its act together.

Rugby players are flexing their muscles, athletes fidgeting on their marks and boxers champing at their gumshields. But we can only wait and hope. Boxing promoter Eddie Hearn tells us he is ready, willing and able to stage title fights, sans audiences in his back garden.

It may sound like wishful thinking on Fast Eddie’s part but it is actually feasible. I have been in the garden of the Matchroom mansion in Essex and believe me you could pitch Wembley Stadium in the middle of it and they would still be room for a hot dog stall.

The only game we seem to be playing at the moment is the waiting one. It may be understandable, I suppose, but it is irritating nonetheless. Especially when other nations like Germany seem to be ahead of us in this particular game.

Wunderbar! We can now watch the Bundesliga on our screens even if it does seem rather eerie without crowds. You can also hear the banter of the players but unless you speak German you wouldn’t know whether or not they were swearing. 

Plenty of that goes on in English football, usually drowned out by the roar of the crowd.

The Football Association seem well aware of this, not that they can do much about it when football, though not quite as we know it, eventually resumes.

Apparently though they will insist that the managers’ microphones are switched off because we all know their language tends to be a bit fruity when things are not going their way.

British viewers observing this somewhat sanitised version of football in the Bundesliga may not have necessarily wished for some crowd noise but more contact between the players, as in the Premier League. 

But German football has never been noted for its physicality and some of us, including my insidethegames colleague and fellow West Ham aficionado Mike Rowbottom have noted the resemblance to the old school Hammers who perfected the art of social distancing, especially at corner kicks. 

Under Ron Greenwood and later John Lyall, they preferred a passing game and were not known for getting stuck in. With one exception.

The great Bobby Moore was never one to take an over the top tackle, either on himself or a fellow teammate, lying down. Many’s the time a guilty opponent was left prostrate on the ground and before the referee had spotted it Moore was 50 yards away from the incident with a presumed air of total innocence. How West Ham - and England - could do with a Bobby Moore now.

But football behind closed doors does not necessarily have to be bland. ITV viewers who have been following the documentary series "Harry's Heroes: Euro Having A Laugh" will have rubbed their eyes in amazement at a bizarre encounter screened as part of the series of this week.

The team of England veterans, managed by the ubiquitous King of the Jungle Harry Redknapp which includes such notables as Matt Le Tissier, Paul Merson and an outrageously overweight "Razor" Ruddock, played a team of Parisian amateurs in France as part of their warm-up for a return engagement with a team of German veteran internationals. 

And I kid you not - the opposition was stark naked!! Save for boots and socks. Ooh la la!

Bizarre as it was the nude Frenchmen, who apparently play all the friendlies in the altogether, took things very seriously. A bemused David Seaman seemed to be watching a different ball game as he let a fifth goal slide past him in a 5-5 draw.

Always the wag, Harry mused: "They are quite hard in the tackle these guys."

As always he was having a laugh, something we could all do with at the moment.